The Flower Life

Just a note..

2009-01-21T19:18:00.001Z

...to say that I am actually still alive and well, and dare i say it, almost thriving!!

Still no internet though.. SIGH.. looks like it'll be February before I'm back online.

Ah well..

Hope to be back with a vengeance then.

In the meantime, H N Y and watch out because '09 is going to be one hell of a year! (and I'm psychic, so I know!;-))

Fxxx

Endurance

2008-11-27T16:59:00.002Z

So...

Starting early October I got a flu like virus which got worse and worse and then got better and better... totalling seven weeks of ~~hell~~ illness.

I was starting to get back to a semblance of life when..

I got a chest infection

If only endurance were an Olympic sport.. I'd be gold all the way.

Today's favourite cheery song: Alphabeat, 'Boyfriend'

Pain

2008-11-03T20:21:00.004Z

...you think you are reaching the top of the mountain. An unexpected storm breaks. You find yourself tossed to the ground.

Back to the shadows. Back to the corner of the bed.

Are you dying inside?

...

Don't tell me to be positive. Walk a mile in my wounded moccasins then you maybe you can speak.

Leave me in the corner of my room. Leave me on the floor where I struggle to breathe.

No fight left. Weak at the seams. After five years, My. Heart. Just. Broke...

All I can do is keep breathing...

Ane Brun, 'True Colors'

Credit crunch

2008-10-17T09:41:00.000+01:00

Wondering what on earth the credit crunch is all about?? Watch the genius that is Bird and Fortune:

Today's favourite song: Barenaked Ladies, 'Blame It On Me'

Favourite quote

2008-10-15T15:33:00.003+01:00

I posted this picture on TAW blog last week.

I'm posting it here because the quote has become so important for me to read: in any and every moment of trial and tribulation.

There really is only one of me in the whole wide world and I am learning how important it is to treasure that fact...

...and for a seasoned tree hugger, what a fabulous tree!!! ;-)

Today's favourite (I really adore this..) song: Joseph Arthur, 'Honey and the Moon'

Blogger's block

2008-10-13T14:14:00.005+01:00

So, it seems that bloggers have blocks too... I haven't been able to think of a single interesting thing to write lately. And the things I do want to write about suddenly seem far too personal to even let them escape my brain..

..hey, on the bright side, maybe this makes me a real writer.. ;-)

So, in lieu of any interesting words, here is some music. These are the two songs that are rocking my world this week... both of which pretty much reflect my mood..

Today's favourite songs:

Kanye West, 'Love Lockdown'

Razorlight, 'Wire to Wire'

Trees

2008-10-07T18:30:00.004+01:00

I love trees.. huggin' 'em, lookin' at 'em, sittin' under 'em!!

Here is a fantastic tree in Savernake:

Today's favourite song: The Maccabees, 'Toothpaste Kisses'

Heart-shaped

2008-09-23T10:51:00.006+01:00

I love finding heart shapes in unexpected places, especially in nature.

Today's favourite song: Finlay Quaye, 'Dice'

M.E. survival kit_2

2008-09-15T18:35:00.003+01:00

laughter

friends

sunshine

Today's favourite song: John Legend feat. Andre 3000, 'Greenlight'

Tips for coping

2008-09-10T01:31:00.003+01:00

wear dresses in bed
get a cat
watch the little things
talk to your soul
love in the depths

Today's favourite song: Natalie Merchant, 'My Skin'

Stitches

2008-09-09T22:33:00.002+01:00

As an ebay user.. this had me in stitches...

This man is a GENUIS!

ENJOY!!!

What Flower Did Next...

2008-09-08T12:00:00.003+01:00

...The Artist's Way!

This is my third attempt at TAW. (I am not alone, it takes most people a few attempts to really get going).

I'm doing it because I know that in life at the moment, I am looking for something... and I know it's inside... and I know it's creative... but I don't know what it is... or where inside it is...

So I'm enlisting JC's help

I find the morning pages tough (writing 3 pages of stream of consciousness writing first thing in the a.m.)
the artist's dates easier (taking yourself off somewhere to do something creatively nurturing and fun)
the tasks hellish (discovering and talking to your inner demons)

but this time. THIS TIME. I am determined to complete the course.

So far it has encouraged me to write on this blog, study photography and sign up for oil painting and photoshop classes..

gulp..

imagine what I will do when I actually finish the course.. WOW!

Today's favourite song: Iglu and Hartly, 'In This City'

Choons..

2008-09-07T21:35:00.009+01:00

So, I love music.

*That much should be obvious seein' as how I include a favourite song on every post.*

Like everyone, the best ones are the ones that speak to you.. tellin' ya to dance, tellin' ya to sing, tellin' ya they've been through the same crap, lyrics you love, melodies you love.

Then there are those..

yeah.. those..

you know, those..

the ones that reach right inside... touch you... speak to you... take you over... leave you tingling.. speechless... breathless

song on full volume you no longer exist.

these songs are rare and amazing.

This one does that to me:

Today's favourite (spinetinglin') song: Bhinda aujla, 'Dil Sada Luteya Gaya'

Redemption

2008-09-06T18:58:00.001+01:00

My boy is OK!

Image taken by M. Coleman

He had his lump removed and it was benign..

Happy, happy me, happy happy him!

Today's favourite song: Noah and the Whale, 'Five Year's Time'

Serenity, Peace and Strength

2008-09-05T18:00:00.002+01:00

6pm, Friday night, I am in bed. I am breathing slowly and chanting my favourite mantra...

serenity, peace and strength

(it gets me through some tough times)

Am in my jim jams, two cats under the duvet with me. My friends Lucozade and Ibuprofen sitting by my side.

The reason for this early retirement from the world is 'The Warning Signs'.

The Warning Signs are the signs I get that I am headed for am m.e. episode...

.....my limbs ache, my head is fuzzy, my chest and throat are sore, I feel very tired and very weak. When I get the warning signs I need to STOP and REST in order to stop the attack. Sometimes I'm too late, sometimes I'm ok. Tonight, I'm somewhere in between.

So, that is why, on a Friday night at 6pm I am in my jim jams and in bed.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, thinking about the revellers next door and how much fun they're having (i live next door to a pub). Sometimes I feel sad, for having been interrupted from doing something I love in order to force myself to rest. Sometimes I don't feel sad at all... like tonight.

I think about all the people out there who dearly wish that they could settle down in bed at 6pm on a Friday, with nothing to do and no one to see: all those cooking dinner for their families, all those still at work, all those starting their late shifts, all those still on their way home in the rain.

And here I am, all quiet, two cosy cats at my side, breathing slowly and deeply into the quiet.

..serenity, peace and strength.

..I. AM. Serenity ... Peace ... and Strength.

These precious words that keep my alive, keep me going, keep me brave, keep me strong.

Today's favourite song: Nas, 'Hero'

Where are all the photographs...?

2008-09-05T16:40:00.001+01:00

... well, I wanted to set up a blog exclusively for my piccies!

This is because as I learn more and more, I wanted to have somewhere I could chart my progress, somewhere to look back on and see what I have learnt, remember my journey.. won't it be great if I can look back at this in 10, 20, 30 years time!!

So that's the grand plan for my photos. That isn't to say I won't still post them here, I will but mainly, they will be here:

www.thebeginningofaphotograph.blogspot.com

Enjoy!

Today's favourite song: The Shins, 'New Slang'

Ode to a friend

2008-08-29T17:55:00.001+01:00

She's wicked.

She's my angel in blue jeans.

She sees me out of a rut.

She listens to my moans.

She hugs away my tears.

She makes me laugh

She is beautiful.

She is talented.

She's my best mate.

Today's song: Wham, 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go'

Rescue

2008-08-27T15:47:00.001+01:00

i shout i scream I cry, and still he watches. I shout I thump I protest. And still, he watches. I won't I can't, no No NO, i say. He. Watches.

I reach for the floor, the bottom of my will, the end of my line. Tear my hair out, scream the house alive.. spit and holler...

i pant, i moan, i lie wounded. And still. He Does Not Move.

I'm quiet. I breathe softly. I go inside. I raise my arms.

He Moves. His arm stretches out. He lifts me up.

He rescues me.

Today's favourite song: Lucinda Williams, 'Rescue'

I met God at the Cowley festival

2008-08-24T12:20:00.002+01:00

I went to a festival recently, and the most extraordinary thing happened.

There I was, minding my own business, listening to a reggae band with ex-boy. The band finished and ex-boy wanted to go and congratulate the djembe player, which we did. He was about 40ish, hippie-ish and very smiley. As we turned to go, he gave each of us a great big bear hug..

OH

MY

GOD

Something happened in that bear hug...

All I felt when he hugged me was love. Huge, all encompassing, unconditional love. I couldn't let go. When I eventually did, thinking he must think I was a nutter.. I walked away and burst into a flood of tears.

I have never, ever, felt love like that... it was pure, it was huge, but most of all it was unconditional. It felt like that no matter what I did, what I said, or who I was.. I was loved..

Was he God in dreadlocks?? .. an angel in human form? .. an ordinary but exceptionally loving person..?

I don't think it matters.

What matters is the experience, and me never forgetting it, taking it with me and gripping it tightly to never let it go...

Today's song: Joan Osbourne, 'One of Us'

Let Go, Don't Be Mad

2008-08-23T15:01:00.004+01:00

One of the greatest challenges brought by m.e. is:

L.E.T.T.I.N.G.G.O.A.N.D.N.O.T.G.E.T.T.I.N.G.M.A.D.

There are so many things that just break your heart in two if you let them...

Things you can't do, people you can't see, aches in your heart you can't fulfill...

I have this one this weekend. Someone I haven't seem for 17 years is in the country for a brief moment. I'm supposed to be driving down tonight to see them..

But I can't.
m.e. has me in her tight grip.

I want to rage, I want to beat myself.

But I have to let go
and not be mad
stay sane
and be my own friend
hold myself
and wrap me up in the tighest of embrace

Love me
Hold me
Be me

Today's song: James Blunt, 'Wisemen'

What do you do when...

2008-08-23T14:40:00.003+01:00

...you just lose interest in life..?

haven't wanted to write
haven't wanted to blog
haven't wanted to photograph
haven't wanted to participate

This month has been... awful

I have lost myself.

Today's song: Sia, 'Breathe Me'

Enemy

2008-08-21T18:38:00.004+01:00

Thought I would know an enemy a mile off

Thought I'd know instantly who they were

Thought I would stand like a giant to fight against them

Didn't know the enemy could be close
much, much closer than that

a sheep in wolf's clothing
a twisted caretaker

Those that say they love you aren't always telling you the truth.

Today's song: Eels, 'I Need Some Sleep'

Hiatus

2008-08-16T09:59:00.007+01:00

One of my boys is in trouble:

Looks like cancer

Looks like an op on Monday

Looks like I gotta be a strong momma

Every finger and toe crossed
Every angel called upon

Here's hoping for my boy

Today's favourite song: Shakira, 'Antologia'

Photo Friday: Beauty

2008-08-01T10:25:00.005+01:00

I love this picture ... the child curiously peeking out into the world behind the safety of her mother... beautiful.

Today's favourite song: Kinnie Starr, 'Sun Again'

The Verve...

2008-07-31T21:24:00.006+01:00

Are Back...!!

Yay!

Their new song rocks my world..

Love is Noise.

Ain't it just.

Can't wait for the album.

Today's top tune: The Verve: 'Love is Noise'

Train wreck

2008-07-31T21:08:00.005+01:00

Single again..

From 0-60-0. How Did That Happen??!!

What a train wreck..

{Long drawn out sigh}

Praps one day my life will be sorted - job, money, partner, own place, health, no debts.

But screw it, happiness is being happy where you're at right...?

So, here's to singleness, joblessness, own-homelessness, sickness and skintaspoonyness... but happYness. :-)

Today's favourite song (currently being mesmerised by it!): Friendly Fires, 'Jump in the Pool'

Nourishment

2008-07-10T19:00:00.000+01:00

I found this piece in my 'unpublished' draft list..

Struggling

I'm struggling to eat at the moment. My current diet consists of:

Coffee
Lucozade
Cheese
Pitta bread
Crisps

Not enough and not very healthy.

I do love food: I'm a true foodie. But my spirit is low, and with it my tastebuds have become dormant.

I'm not unhappy as such. In so many countless and wonderful ways I'm happier now than I've ever been. But I've just entered the 5th year of this illness. And that's got me.

So I'm blue. And I've lost my appetite. The gnawing of my hunger happily manifests the gnawing of my spirit.

I think I need to grieve. Recognise my losses. But I do have hope. And I do know that this too shall pass...

...And it is indeed passing, though I can't say my eating habits have improved much - It's such a paradox.. to eat healthily you need energy to go out, buy the ingredients, cook them, and eat them... but with no energy... it's peanut butter on toast .. but it is indeed passing.. and things are indeed getting better..

Today's favourite song: Black Kids, 'Hurricane Jane'

Wow, or, Jill Bolte Taylor's message

2008-07-09T10:24:00.004+01:00

The scientific and the spiritual meet...

Today's favourite song: India Irie, 'Video'

Boys, boys, boys

2008-07-08T10:04:00.003+01:00

My poor little neglected blog..

I blame the new boy. I've gone from a 'me' to an 'us' in about 60 seconds flat. Whirlwind is most definitely the appropriate term here..

It's amazing. Passionate, Intense, Loving, Mind-blowing ;-). I'm doing things I never do, experiencing things I never have. Knocked sideways and every which way.

Wow!

Scream!

Back to the blog soon though... :-)

Today's favourite song: Timbaland 'Scream'

Laffin'

2008-06-27T11:05:00.002+01:00

Frankly, laughter is a bloody necessity when you think your life has gone down the toilet and you feel like death warmed up...

Remember ventriloquism??! I hadn't seen any for an age when I came across these.. and they had me rolling around the floor..

Three of my faves:

Nina Conti

Paul Zerdin

Jeff Dunham

Today's favourite song: Paramore, 'When It Rains'

Natty rocks

2008-06-18T22:27:00.008+01:00

Saw him live last night.

Wow, he was just amazing.. felt like he woke up every bone in my body.

Feels so good to feel his music; feel the words

Loving this man...

First in the queue to get the album:

Loving this song (Bedroom Eyes) {shiver} does sumthin' to me:

Today's favourite song: Natty, 'Last night'

Things I Am Grateful For. Part 2.

2008-06-17T23:20:00.000+01:00

M.E.

I know what you're thinking... Are you ker-azy..??!! Hear me out!

Ok, so amongst the raging fevers, the crippling pain, the days in bed, the lack of energy, the lack of income, the myriad of cancellations, maybe I'm not so grateful, but when I look at the Big Picture, and look at who I am now, and who I was then, I am very grateful.

Why?

Because through m.e., I have learnt happiness. I'm talking about actual, bona fide, non-fleeting happiness, happiness that comes from deep inside. And it is real. And it is genuine.

Before, I wasn't a particularly happy person, not inside. I was eternally searching for it; through spirituality, consumerism, work, relationships, anywhere and everywhere. I constantly suffered because of it, through eating disorders, addictions, self-destruction. I questioned life incessantly and always got the same answer: 'Love Is Everything'. But I didn't believe it. I thought that far too simplistic and obvious to be true: and that love, I just couldn't find.

But just because it's simple, doesn't mean it isn't the truth.

Love is everything. It's love for oneself that is everything, and that is what m.e. has given me.

I was stripped of my life, my career, my money, my friends - in short, everything that makes up a 'life'. I became desperately ill. I visited many, many dark places. When you're life is taken, and you suffer intensely (physically, mentally, emotionally) you are taken to a place where you have a choice: you can hate yourself, berate yourself, blame yourself and despair, or you can search and find the real you inside, and love yourself, cherish yourself, take care of yourself and survive.

And in the craziness, that is what I did. And love for me is what I found.

So is it worth it? Well, don't ask me in the middle of a fever or when I'm doubled over in pain, but when my body is calmer, and I'm at a low 2 on the pain scale, then hell yeah, it's worth it.

Today's favourite (officially, my favourite ever, ever) song: Toure Kunda 'Emma'

About a boy

2008-06-17T18:03:00.002+01:00

He's delicious

All cheekbones and luscious lips

Blue eyes and dirty laugh

Sure wasn't love at first sight,

Thought he was delicate; made of china..

Oh, how wrong I can be

Strong as a iron and spouting fire

Need to step back lest he gobble me up

Secret garden's waiting but can he find the key?

Today's favourite song: Icehouse, 'Man of Colours'

Reminiscence

2008-06-16T17:22:00.004+01:00

Honestly what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Today's favourite song: Nelly Furtado, 'All Good Things'

Books

2008-06-08T12:46:00.007+01:00

A couple of interesting books are winging their way to my bedside reading pile:

The Alchemy of Illness - Kat Duff

CFS is a call for soulwork - Gretchen Brooks Nassar

Am looking forward to gaining new perspectives on this illness business.

Reviews later.

Today's favourite song: Alphaville, 'Big in Japan'

Three Things I Wish For

2008-06-07T05:20:00.000+01:00

Three things I wish for

A faster computer.
More money.
Sunshine.

Today's favourite song: Madonna, 'Spotlight'

Three Popular Misconceptions

2008-06-07T05:15:00.000+01:00

Three popular misconceptions

That I sleep a lot = pain + sleep doth not a good combination make.
That my brain functions normally = um, that would be a no.
That I get bored = wrong again, you need energy to get bored with.

Today's favourite song: Madonna, 'Gambler'

Three Things I'm Looking Forward To

2008-06-07T05:10:00.000+01:00

Three things I'm looking forward to:

No pain (yippeeeeeeee!).
More energy for my niece.
Dancin' (yeah!).

Today's favourite (spotted the theme yet? ;-)) song: Madonna, 'Pretender'.

Three Ugly Things

2008-06-07T05:05:00.000+01:00

Three ugly things:

The fact that laughing makes me more ill (and the pain worse).
The fact that those who should be my biggest supporters are in fact, my biggest detractors.
Being wide awake when I'd rather be fast asleep (5am on a Saturday morning anyone?).

Today's favourite (oh the clothes, the hair!) song: Madonna, 'Dress you up'

Three Beautiful Things

2008-06-07T05:00:00.000+01:00

Three beautiful things

Brothers and Sisters (the programme), for making me realise that the craziness {that is} my family is actually normal.
Maya Gold chocolate. Yummmmmmmm.
Lie ins with my boys when it's raining outside.

Today's favourite (80's icon) song: Madonna, 'Stay'

My M.E. Survival Kit

2008-06-06T20:28:00.001+01:00

A Good Mattress
Unfortunately, I don't have one of these - mine is rubbish. It's cheap and cheerful and I can feel the springs through it. To make it more comfortable, I put a quilt and a duvet on the mattress before the sheet goes on. My sister on the other hand, has a mattress that was hand delivered by a legion of angels straight from God's Heavenly Mattresses Inc. If I could shove it under my jumper and run out the door with it I would. At her house, I sink deliciously into this mattress and have the best sleep ever.

With M.E. you spend a loooooot of time in bed, sleeping, suffering, reading, tossing, resting, turning; so you do need a mattress that is good. Alas, for me, a good mattress is the 'one-day-when-I-have-money-list'.

A Chillow Pillow
One of these I do have. And this too, was invented by the Gods. It is basically a mini water-pillow. But somehow, it stays cold: All. The. Time. It is always within reaching distance and has soothed my brow on many an occasion when I am raging with fever or have the headache from hell (like last night). Like a lover, I wrapped the entire thing around me and hold it there until I can't feel my arms anymore. Suffice to say it provides stupendous, miraculous, positively angelic relief.

T'internet (+mobile phones)
I find talking knackering. It's one of the things that takes my energy the most. This is why I love the internet. I can know exactly what's going on that there world out there without ever needing to speak to another soul. Texting on a mobile phone also falls into this category. Frankly, I {heart} texting. It is the quickest, easiest way to communicate with someone and takes barely any energy. Hurray for Nokia!! The internet also of course, is the home of this icle bit of bloggyness. My lovely creative outlet and a place to put my thoughts when they need a home. Hurray for Blogging!!

Cats
I have blogged about my cats before, here and here, but I can never overestimate their importance in my recovery. When you're flat on your back, day in day out, in pain, unable to read, watch tv or see anyone, a little feline ball of furryness purring at your side can make all the difference. Especially when they also spend every night with you and snuggle up to your neck and sleep. You obviously have to get up to feed them, but other than that they look after themselves so are very little trouble.

Nurofen Plus
Not that I advocate the use of drugs, medicinal or otherwise, but these have been my saviour. I have been through the chemist's array of painkilling tablets, right and left, up and down, and all over again, and I always come back to this little white tablet. It makes the pain I'm in bearable, and allows me to live just that little bit better and whilst I do hope that once I'm well I never have to take one again, I am grateful for the tiny little powdered miracle that they are.

Today's favourite song: Tracy Bonham, 'Something Beautiful'

Dang, I gotta face it..

2008-06-03T18:30:00.000+01:00

Ok, so something is up. I know this because:

a) I am eating more than I need..(otherwise known as comfort eating)
b) I am craving alcohol..

Together, they always means the same thing: something is up and I just ain't facing it...

... so I eat to make me feel better.. and I drink to make it go away..

Except, I barely have any food in the house, so am eating mouldy rye crackers and (vegan) cream cheese. Both of which I'm sure would be disqualified from a comfort eating contest. I've also been tee total since October, and don't plan on changing any time soon, so I haven't actually had any alcohol either...

So no hiding for me then..!

Something is UP and I don't want to DEAL with it...

But know I have to, else I'll put on a stone and end up in a vat of cheeky vimto...

I know where it is, oh that hideous, ugly rotten dark place called.... The Past. And it's not the nice past either, oh no, the murky painful depths of memories you'd really really like to put in a box and watch sail away into the sunset.. but no, instead, I need to watch Dr. Phil and:

name it to claim it..!!
feel it to heal it...!!

Oh Dr. Phil, what fun that sounds, I just can't wait!!

Today's favourite song:U2 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet'

Things I am Grateful For: Part 1

2008-05-19T17:48:00.000+01:00

My car.

I had wanted a car so badly. A way to become that little bit more mobile in the darkness that was those first years of m.e. A way to give me back a little of my life and lessen a little of the isolation. With a meagre government income however I could no where near afford one, so I just imagined. But one day, it became real.

And it was thanks to my dear friend.

She had only known me for just over a year. We shared an instant connection but were still getting to know each other when she and her family decided to emigrate to Australia. She offered me her car and in doing so, demonstrated how she already trusted me. Implicitly:

she gave me the car before I had paid for it,
the night before she emigrated to Australia
and trusted that I would make the monthly payments to her whilst we were half a world apart.

Not only this, she also asked for a price well below its market value. Just for me.

I was immeasurably grateful for her trust in me, and a little under a year later I completed my final payment.

She was (and still is) my angel.

Today's favourite song: Jason Mraz, 'The Remedy'

The Alchemy of Illness

2008-05-19T13:20:00.000+01:00

In bed again, with a sore throat and no energy.

Again.

Have just cancelled a date with a friend to visit some photograph exhibitions which are only on this week.

Gutted.

Again.

In my sadness I reached out and received this message:

A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way, and aligns us with a life path that is, ultimately, of benefit to ourselves and those around us.

Deena Metzger
http://www.gratefulness.org/t/body.htm

Wow!

What an awesome, thrilling, inspiring message. It is my path! it is my journey!

How grateful I am to be honoured with this sacred illness and all the blessings it brings me.

Today's favourite song: The Organ, 'Memorize the City'

Poppy and me

2008-05-12T22:22:00.000+01:00

My very talented dog-photographer-friend let me go on a dog shoot with her last week. The sitter was Poppy, a golden retriever.

I didn't realise how much fun it could be..

..mostly due to rolling around in the grass trying to find an interesting angle and shot to take! Here are my best shots:

Today's favourite song: Oliver Shanti 'Onon Mweng'

Agony

2008-05-11T22:23:00.000+01:00

Ah yes, agony, I know it well.

Far too well.

I recently had a piercing done. It was painful, but it gave me a moment to experience a 'different' pain to the one I am constantly in - it was a blissful experience.

The pain I suffer runs on a spectrum from say, 0-10. I am never at zero, and too often at 10.

Last night it reached 100.

I literally did writhe in agony. How could my body, the only one I have, feel so utterly, utterly dreadful. How it could betray me so much?! With wet towels wrapping my head, I sat in front of a cold fan just to try and reduce the fever. All. Night. Long. And that was only one part of it.

The difficulty? This is my silent pain. Why not talk about it? Because:

"Are you in pain flower"?

"Yes I am * [delete as applicable: friend/sister/parent/lover].

You might as well ask me if I breathe and if my heart beats.. the answer would always be the same. Do I continue having this conversation going into my 5th year of pain??! I choose not to.

The downside? People think I'm ok when I'm not.

The upside? If I told them the truth they'd be sick to death of me and the pain, plus, I get to be me (m.e.-less) now and again..

It's a difficult balance: sometimes I like that people can see me as 'me', sometimes I want to scream at them..'do you know how much I'm suffering?! But I think I do ok.

Pain killers lesson the effect. They're like cotton wool that takes off the edges. I couldn't be without them. I have to have something, something to lessen the agony. I don't want to take so many. But I don't want to constantly suffer either.

I do wonder what a pain free body is like, I really can't remember it. What is it like to have a body that feels, well, normal?? After all, I did used to have one! I don't know, but I do know that I am striving for it every second. And I will know, again.

Today's favourite song: Frou Frou, 'Let Go'

Yikes!

2008-05-06T19:17:00.000+01:00

I came across one of these widget thingys and had a go.

Was horrified to be a snake!! ;-)

Not least because snakes and crocodiles are the animals that really scare me and the ones that always bite me in my dreams (if anyone knows what this means symbolically....do tell!)

You Were a Snake

You have a primal energy that drives you to explore the mysteries of life.

A nearly immortal soul, you'll live a very long life.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Today's favourite song: Beth Orton, 'Central Reservation'

Sisters

2008-05-05T10:36:00.000+01:00

With hindsight, I am lucky to have grown up with three sisters. At the time I was most unhappy about it, too aware of the lack of space, the niggling and fighting, the jostling for attention. As an adult, I am gratefully aware it, grateful for the many nights spent in conversation, the comforting arms around me in times of trouble and laughing, lots of laughing.

We comprised: big sis, momma sis, myself (dreamy sis) and baby sis. Big sis’ moniker was not a reference to her size, but rather her age. Momma sis received her name long, long before she became an actual momma, due to her the momma-like tendencies she had been born with. Baby sis was (unsurprisingly) the youngest and I, dreamy sis, was called so due to a love of being forever mentally absent (though physically present).

Big sis was considerably older than the rest of us, and was thus viewed with a mixture of unadulterated adoration and awe – she was our Goddess. She existed on a pedestal, and has done ever since. At an age where make-up and boys was a world undiscovered, she would horrify me with tales of a future – my future – that would involve boyfriends and marriage. Aghast, I would argue that my beloved red BMX and climbing trees were all that mattered to me, thank you very much.

Big sis left us just as we were approaching adolescence and life was getting more interesting. She disappeared at an age where I didn't realise that people, certainly not those I loved so intensely, actually died. For the three of us that remained, our childhood innocence also died that day.

We were now three sisters, and rather than cling to each other in the madness that followed, we each clung to our own individual rafts to survive: the pain in each others' eyes was too much to witness and our individual memories of her, much too precious to share, were jealously guarded. The fact that we were simultaneously limping into adolescence with its requisite moodiness and confusion only served to emphasize our separation. We drifted apart on those turbulent seas and only drifted back to each other once adulthood had begun to show its face.

Momma sis has never shed her moniker and, I suspect, never will; actual motherhood has only strengthened the endearing ways in which she continues to mother baby sis and I. As the second oldest she heaved the mantle of 'big' sis onto her small shoulders and tried to lead us towards the light and resurrection from grief; though she herself was blind. Taking on the responsibility was not an easy option – her younger siblings looked to her more and more for a replacement of the 'Goddess' they had lost. She struggled, but ultimately succeeded, and perhaps it was ever meant to be so.

The departure of big sis fell hardest on baby sis. They were not on speaking terms at the time, and the chance to repair the bridge of misunderstanding between them (for that was all it was) was lost forever. Regardless of the comforting words from her remaining sisters, she needed to re build the bridge herself single-handedly. It took many years and her courage in finding her own peace at the tragic timing of events was, and still is, an awesome feat.

Now, as remaining sisters all 'growed-up', I truly recognise the blessings of my sisters' presence and pour gratitude upon it (this, despite the niggling and fighting that has never quite managed to leave us). Though her presence is now ethereal, big sis is still very much the first sister in our quadrangle. Though I don't really know what the afterlife has planned for us, I look forward to the day where we are four once again.

Today's favourite song: Mike Oldfield, 'Crime of Passion'

Bed Day Today

2008-04-29T13:07:00.000+01:00

Another bed day today.

So, so tired.

All limbs ache; head is heavy; the beginnings of a fever chase my brain.

So, so lacking in energy.

Still under the duvet.

Willing the pain to go away.

Tick tock tick tock.

There but by the grace of God go I.

Today's favourite song: Sting feat. Cheb Mami, 'Desert Rose'

Scrap Your Day

2008-04-26T18:37:00.000+01:00

I'm taking part in this project.

So yesterday was spent taking pictures of everything I did, and everywhere I went.

It was soooo rewarding!

This was because I took lots of pictures that I just wouldn't have taken otherwise...

like the painter decorating the outside of my flat...

like the dvd I was watching...

like my local pub...

What a great (new) way to spend a day!

Today's favourite song: Fool's Garden, 'Lemon Tree'

Photo Friday: cold

2008-04-23T10:45:00.001+01:00

Tjörnin Pond, Reykjavic, Iceland

Today's favourite song: Umalali, 'Nibari'

Shutter Sisters: reflect, remember, recycle

2008-04-22T12:35:00.000+01:00

This is a shot of my sister breastfeeding my niece.

You can't see it in the picture but mother and daughter are gazing into each others eyes with pure love. Is there a greater bond than that of a mother feeding her child?

I love that I have captured this bond for them: through any tribulations mother and daughter may have in future years, they can look back time and time again at this photo.

Today's (ooooh, loving this, LOVING this) favourite song: MGMT, 'Electric Feel'

Natty

2008-04-20T23:28:00.000+01:00

I'm just loving this artist at the moment.

Really seems to capture how things are right now: and with great choons to boot.. ;-)

Today's (3) favourite songs: Natty, 'Cold Town', Coloured Souls Mix', 'Bedroom Eyes'

Captured

2008-04-19T09:46:00.000+01:00

I was on a long drive home and was pretty tired. I just wanted to get there. Get into a scented bath and soak away the day. I wasn't taking much notice of the landscape around me, though it was beautiful.

Then the light changed.

As dusk approached, the landscape was transformed in a glorious orange glow. I stopped the car and watched. With my camera on the passenger seat I immediately started clicking and capturing what I saw.

The change of light lasted only a few moments.

I returned to my car and went home: so grateful to have witnessed this fleeting beauty; so grateful that my Pentax was by my side; so grateful to have been brought out of my rush to get home and given a chance to lose myself in the beauty of the moment.

Today's favourite song: The Script 'We Cry'

Healing...

2008-04-17T17:16:00.000+01:00

I have embarked on two different techniques that claim to heal/cure m.e.

The first is called 'Emotional Freedom Technique' or 'EFT'.

Wikipedia explains:
Proponents of EFT claim it relieves many psychological and physical conditions, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, general stress, addictions and phobias. More claims have been made for multiple sclerosis and one proponent claims that "you can also use it for everything from the common cold to cancer.'" The basic EFT technique involves holding a disturbing memory or emotion in mind and simultaneously using the fingers to tap on a series of 12 specific points on the body that correspond to meridians used in Chinese medicine. The theory behind EFT is that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy field and that tapping on the meridians while thinking of a negative emotion alters the body's energy field, restoring it to "balance."

The theory states that negative emotions are built in the following stages: A negative experience occurs; negative emotions are felt in response to this negative experience, leading to inappropriate programming inside the body; and then the body's energy system gets disrupted due to these negative emotions. The contention of EFT is that in order to remove the negative responses, tackling the negative experience is not enough, because doing so cannot correct the energy imbalance. Rather, the energy imbalance must be restored along with curing the negative emotions.

It is an odd process!

I basically hold an image in my head of what having m.e. means and then tap various points on my face and body. (How to subtly do this whilst in Sainsburys I have yet to master...)

More info:
www.emofree.com
www.tapping.com
www.eft-therapy.com

The second technique I am following is called 'Gupta Amygdala Training Programme' and is pioneered by Ashok Gupta.

His website explains:
Although this is a drug-free therapy, Ashok clearly states that ME/CFS is a real physical condition, with real physical symptoms. This is based on his medical paper which was published in a medical journal in 2002. The explanation is based on the role of a brain structure called the Amygdala, which Ashok believes keeps the body in a permanent imbalanced state, causing all of the symptoms.

This programme is so powerful and Ashok believes in it so much, that it comes with a guarantee that it will definitely help you recover from your condition. If for any reason you don’t find it improves your health within 6 months, after 6 months you can return the whole programme and get your money back. And in fact 6 months is the maximum amount of time anyone has taken to show significant improvements, so the results are likely to come well before that.

The medical research behind it is very, very interesting and I'm jumping into the programme feet first!

More info:
www.cfsrecovery.com

So, will either of these techniques bring an end to my m.e. journey...?

Time will answer that question...but here's hoping..

Today's favourite song: Lorraine, 'I Feel It'

Three Beautiful Things

2008-04-13T15:03:00.000+01:00

Three beautiful things for today..

1. Afternoon nap with my boys.
2. Cuddles with my sister.
3. Snuggling in bed as it's cold outside.

Today's favourite song: Ulrich Schnauss, 'Blumenthal'

Red ball

2008-04-11T23:05:00.000+01:00

Loving this video. A red ball if ever I saw one...

Today's favourite song: Deep Forest. 'Lullaby'

My boys...

2008-04-11T21:17:00.000+01:00

Today's favourite song: Don Henley, 'Boys of Summer'

Wordless Wednesday.. or.. Oscar & Hope

2008-04-11T19:28:00.001+01:00

My first posting for 'Wordless Wednesday'. Oscar is the cat. Hope is the bear.

Today's favourite song: Peri & Filo, 'Anthem'

Walkin'

2008-04-09T21:28:00.001+01:00

Went for a walk with my sis and took some piccies:

Red Flower

Daffs

Daisies

Garden flowers

Stream

Secret garden

Resting

Horse

Treeview

Today's favourite song: INXS, 'Original Sin'

Everest

2008-04-09T20:29:00.001+01:00

This is a quote from David Putnam, a Film Director who also suffers from m.e....

"I had a six-month period when I couldn't do anything," he says. "Nothing, really nothing. Going to the loo was like climbing Everest. It is impossible to explain to people how utterly debilitating it is".

Everest is a useful geographical metaphor that does justice to how ordinary life can feel so utterly extra-ordinary with this illness.

I live in a small town. I live in the centre of this small town. A very good friend of mine lives 10 minutes walk away on the other side of town. Getting to my friend's house involves climbing down a steep hill, then climbing up the other side. In ordinary pre-m.e. days this walk would pass in the blink of an eye and was certainly far too short to be considered any kind of serious exercise. Now, this steep decline and incline is my Everest. The walk to her house is unthinkable, unmanageable, unachievable.

But..

Something has changed.

Today, I walked to my friend's house. And perhaps the most important part, I didn't feel too horrendous for it.

For me, it was a HUGE, huge achievement. On the way back I wanted to hug everyone I saw and say 'hey, I did it!!' I. DID. IT!

Everest, here I come!

Today's favourite song: The Editors, 'Munich'

Photograph

2008-04-06T20:36:00.001+01:00

I love this photo. Partly because I took it and am proud of it. Partly because the dog belongs to a very good friend. Partly because of what, to me, it represents.

The dog is Cujo. In the photo, he is chasing a red ball that has just been thrown. The same red ball was thrown over and over again but Cujo never tired of watching the ball; racing after the ball; catching the ball; bringing the ball back.

I *loved* the pure joy that shone from his eyes and the furious wagging of his tail. At that moment, nothing, but nothing else mattered to him other than catching that ball.

Such a simple, simple process, but such utter utter joy.

My thoughts turned to another species - us. How often do we do this? How often do we just focus on doing something that gives us pure joy, freeing our minds of every other thought?

Where's our red ball?!!!

Today's favourite (80's) song: Howard Jones, 'New Song'

Vacation photographs...a few more!

2008-04-06T20:23:00.001+01:00

Today's favourite song: Stereophonics 'Dakota'

Dumped

2008-04-01T17:59:00.000+01:00

I have been well and truly dumped.

Dumped that is, by my best friend.

I do understand why (he has found his soul mate). I do understand that things are a little more complicated (we are exes). But for a year after we broke up he was still my best buddy. I told him everything, he told me, we hung out every week, we talked lots, laughed lots, and when he disappeared he did so overnight...

I'm having trouble adjusting.

Maybe, maybe, we really only half broke up for a year, and this is the proper break up.... which is why it's hurting so. Maybe I just miss my best friend. Maybe, as a wise woman told me, soul mate can't appear whilst I'm still best buddies with someone else (particularly a male, particularly an ex). Time will let me know.

Long drawn out sigh...

Just another stitch in life's big ol' rich tapestry...

Today's favourite song: REM, 'Day Tripper'

Vacation photographs

2008-03-29T18:53:00.000Z

A selection of my favourite photographs from my recent trip.

Local wildlife...

Pace of life...

Threatening skies...

Dusk...

City life...

History...

Today's favourite song: Kate Bush 'Aeriel'

I Just Don't Get It....or... Finally, She Joins Sunday Scribblings..

2008-03-23T11:04:00.001Z

Here, at last, is my very first posting for Sunday Scribblings; a website I think is fabulous but that I haven't quite got round to joining yet. For those uninitiated, it is a website where a 'topic' is posted every week upon which to mull over and then produce a piece of writing.

For this week's choice - 'I just don't get it'- I chose a more frivolous interpretation....

I just don't get it..
..Why, oh why, oh why, (dear Lord ;-)) do I seem to incapable of looking after my CDs...?

This seemingly simple puzzle has confounded me for some time. I seem categorically unable to alphebetise, return to their plastic casings, or keep in one place any of my CDs, which although not strictly necessary in life, would make my listening pleasures that little bit easier to locate and play.

Is it because of a neglectful upbringing, where owned objects were not appreciated? Um, that would be a no. The cost and value of items in our household where regularly commented on and any spotted lackadaisacal attitude towards them was instantly reprimanded. My mother's voice commanding... "PUT IT BACK!!" also echoed endlessly through my childhood home whenever my many sisters and I had borrowed an item which she then discovered missing. So nor was the 'rightful place of things' neglected in my education.

Is it because I don't care? No. And I certainly like to think that I have the intelligence to know that a CD left out of its box will become scratched, lost and broken, often in that order... On scouring my small home for a missing CD, and upon finding it under my bed (or under my cat) I sigh heavily as I slowly make my way to the dustbin to dispose of it; quietly mourning the songs that I won't be listening too again in the near future..

Is it because I am so wealthy that I can afford to replace the CDs? That would be another no. CDs are currently an extra that cannot squeeze themselves into my meagre non-working-person budget. They firmly reside on the 'one day when I'm earning again' shopping list... along with most other luxury goods..

Is it because of a reluctance to bring an order to my life? Ah, I think I've hit on something here. There is something so 'settling' so 'succumbing' so well, 'boring' about an ordered CD collection. Somehow the state of my CDs is the mircrocosm of my life. Do I want my life alphebetised, clean and ordered? um... that would be a most definite, resounding, NO..

So actually, when all is said and done... I do get it... ;-)

Today's favourite song: Carlos Vives 'La Gota Fria'

The Extra-ordinary Life

2008-03-23T09:59:00.001Z

I just love it when I come across a piece of writing that takes me out of the ordinary and deposits me in the extra-ordinary...

These are two such examples...

Taken from 'A Return to Love' by Marianne Williamson
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I read this paragraph when I'm feeling frightened, insecure, unsure of what lies ahead and it always, but always, gives me peace.

Taken from 'Stargirl' by Jerry Spinelli
"She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew... "

I read this book just recently and want to give it to every person I pass on the street. It is a book where, after reading it, you are never quite the same again. It embraces you, cocoons you, then sets you free to be your own 'stargirl'.

Today's favourite song: Ralph Vaughn Williams 'Lark Ascending':

IF you are looking for hope, if you are looking for inspiration, if you are lost in your darkest hour, you will find peace in the above...

.

Vacation

2008-03-19T11:18:00.000Z

I am on vacation!!!

It was a huge challenge. I planned to go, wait for it, ON MY OWN!!!

This revelation received a number of different reactions... terror at the thought... a turning-sideways-head pity look of a 'don't worry you'll have a husband one day too' ... and (my personal favourite) 'wow that's fantastic, what an adventure!' (Thanks Pen!)

It's not the travelling on my own per se that is the point here (I am the girl that went alone to South America at the age of 19). But it's my first trip alone since becoming ill. It is the first time that I am well enough to do something like take a holiday by myself. And oh, what joy it brings me... I CAN do it! I AM doing it!!

So, I am travelling around the beautiful countryside taking photos, marvelling at the scenery, laughing with strangers, cuddling their dogs. I still have to take it easy.. one day on, one day off. But on the off days I curl up in the beautiful cottage, watch the deer out of the window, listen to the owls, read a book, tip tap my feet to music . I joyfully bask in my own peace and serenity...

I raise a glass of juice, here's to many, many more solo travels. Hurray for me!!

Today's favourite song: Marcio Faraco, 'Ciranda'

Yes. I. Can.

2008-03-14T17:49:00.000Z

I don't know much about U.S. politics. I don't know much about Barack Obama.

I do know hope, optimism, and vision, which is what I get from this video. Regardless of your particular political persuasion, just watch the video and take the message..'Yes We Can'. Turn it into a subjective message for yourself... 'Yes I Can'. DO whatever it is you're afraid of, SAY whatever it is that you're afraid of, BE whoever you're afraid to be. If you're skulking in the shadows, let the message sink into you. 'Yes You Can'.

Today's favourite song; Will.I.Am 'Yes We Can'

Dark night of the body

2008-03-06T16:07:00.000Z

Sometimes I'm so close I can almost touch it, that elusive beast 'normality'. That simple little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... everyday normal health.

But I've overdone it again. I spent too much time talking to a friend, too much time holding my niece, I drove that extra mile in my car..

And I am stopped in my tracks, pain and illness gearing up for their assault.

The fevers appear, cold flannels on my head. The pain surges, out come the pain killers. Insomnia descends, church bells checking the early hours. Energy disappears...

The episodes are getting less frequent, they are lasting for shorter periods, and yet as close as I am to the finish line, I have never felt closer to giving up. I-just-can't-do-this-anymore. I want to cry and cry and cry and rage against the pseudo-dying of my body. And suffer, how I suffer. How I want to be saved from this.

So I wait. I wait however many days it takes to subside. Patience... I need to be patient.

And slowly, surely, the attack ends. I get up again and peek my head back into the world; energy temporarily restored; wondering when the next time will be; hoping there won't be a next time. How I marvel at the sunshine, the opportunities that lie outside my front door. I step outside and embrace life again knowing just how lucky I am to get it back.

And I know that one day, I know, that I will emerge for good, seize the world with both hands and never look back...

Lucky, lucky me xxx

Today's favourite song: Cut Copy 'Lights and Music'

Brilliance

2008-03-05T18:03:00.000Z

Mmmmmmm..

Perhaps, as a nervous, fledgling photographer, it wasn't the best idea to look at what can only be described as jaw-droppingly AMAZING photography:

Anna Kuperberg
Jesh de Rox
Denise Andrade

As I surfed the above pages; in amazed silence, I felt like dropping my camera. I felt like why on earth would I even try?! Some images brought tears to my eyes, and I just couldn't imagine that any of my photos would ever, ever do that... to anyone.. anywhere... I felt so out of place, so clumsy in comparison, and my thoughts wandered round and round as I looked at my camera... Why?!

As my thoughts reached a full circle, the question was answered. I was back at the Beginning. And I remembered why I had picked up the camera in the first place..

It isn't about being good or bad, and it certainly isn't about competition. The raison d'etre is simple.. it is my journey into my world with my camera and my abilities.

no more, no less.

So, camera in hand..here I am, and here is my journey..

Today's favourite song: Cinematic Orchestra 'Build a Home'

The Truth

2008-02-29T21:24:00.000Z

I watched this video and with every word I nodded my head.

This was my experience. This was (and sometimes still is) my truth:

Courtesy of www.sleepydust.net

Today's favourite song: Babybird 'Back Together'

The Importance of Being a Cat

2008-02-27T11:10:00.000Z

With M.E., you can't really 'do' things. And you spend A LOT of time by yourself.

A LOT of time quietly in a bed or on a sofa.

Understandably, it is difficult not to be filled with a profound sense of solitude: 'Out There', life continues apace whilst 'In Here', it is just you, your resting place, and your silence. You can't watch TV - it hurts your brain, you can't listen to music - it hurts your ears, you can't talk on the phone - it hurts your throat, you can't meet with anyone - you're just-too-tired.

So it's you, your sofa, and your friend silence...

... then in walks The Cat..

Olly the Cat.

A present from a loved one to keep you company. A ginger and cream Burmese dynamo. A Top Cat with the loudest miaow (and purr) in Catville.

You are no longer alone!

You can't talk to the cat (not in words anyway) you can't share your burdens with your cat (at least not if need a response) but you can be loved, can be snuggled with, can be purred at, and can be made to feel the most important person in the universe.

Life is different. You can't feel solitude because you have a permanent friend. You don't feel scared because the purring is too sweet, and whilst you can't do much else, you can help a little fur ball. You can give him a loving home, you can feed him the best food, you can play with him and groom him, and you can love him back. You can, at last, 'do'.

So, to the person who gifted me Olly the Cat, and for Olly the Cat himself, I express my deepest gratitude for making my (m.e.) life just that little bit better... xxx

Wish for Olly

(Cat)sites:
acatslife-tia
newcats
www.moggies.co.uk
www.funnycatpics.com

Today's favourite song: Prefab Sprout 'Life of Surprises'

Annie Leibovitz beware!

2008-02-15T17:56:00.001Z

Today, I took some photos!

I have taken photos for as long as I can remember. I have always had a camera. But I have never *taken* photos.

I have begun my journey into photography!

I snapped 100 times. Most of the shots soon made their acquaintance with the 'delete' button but nevertheless, I am thrilled with my fledgling attempt. I used an old (bashed) compact Kodak digital camera and the quality is er... not what it could be ... (I have images of pros sniggering into their viewfinders). Soon however, I hope to be getting my sticky little hands on a digital SLR camera...

As the characters in the show I'm watching are wont to say - Yay!

The location

The Flora

The Fauna

Today's favourite (happy) song: Martha & The Muffins 'Echo Beach'

Attack

2008-02-15T14:42:00.001Z

Three days ago, I was attacked.

Ok, not by a shark!

And not physically either. It was a verbal attack.

The words used against me were particularly vicious. None of them were (or are) true of me. It was a crash between anothers' opinions and beliefs and mine. I actually respect their beliefs. They, it became apparent, do not respect mine.

What matters now is not what happened, but rather, who I became in the time that followed. It was a crucial moment. I asked myself this crucial question:

Where-do-I-go-from-here?

Do I:

a) stay, acquiesce to their demands and deny mine.

or

b) recover, stand firm and choose me.

I chose me.

Today, I woke early, dressed, saw the blue of the sky, picked up my camera and walked.

I walked a long time. I took 100 photos. I breathed. I reminded myself of all the good in me and finally, I hugged a horse, and I went home.

I-chose-me.

Today's favourite song: Snow Patrol 'Set the fire to the third bar'.

Grief

2008-02-12T14:36:00.000Z

If I were the Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary.

grief.

1. A very necessary tool to navigate loss

2. An immense journey through the spectrum of emotion

3. A physical, mental, emotional and spiritual (searing) experience of pain

Being not at my best physically, I find myself more vulnerable to the darker side of life; the darker side of emotions. And today's emotion is grief.

No-one has died (I know this grief), I am not grieving for the loss of myself (this has been done) I am not grieving the loss of a friend (he is very much still here). I am grieving the loss of: MNO. My Number One.

My Number One; your Number One, is invariably, though not exclusively, your partner. Your staunchest defender, your greatest ally, the one who believes in you the most, the one who supports and loves you the most. I chose to lose him as my partner (I was the one to break up the relationship) but still for almost a year afterwards he was still MNO and I his, thus I continued to thrive despite the end of the relationship. Now, he has met his soul mate, his forever partner, and I, the ex partner, am displaced, no longer HNO.

I am not begrudging of his happiness (within the complexity that emotions are, I am grieving for myself whilst also truly cherishing his joy). But, I cannot (and will not) deny the pain I feel at the loss of that which translates as unparalleled support, defence, generosity and love. I feel so alone without it. I feel frightened without it. I feel weaker without it.

However, I am not drowning. Because:

I know two things a) this is time for me to become my own staunchest defender, supporter, lover and ally and b) when my soul mate appears I will again nestle in the love and arms of MNO, so this loss is temporary.

Therefore l declare myself a phoenix in the process of rising from the ashes. A phoenix because I will not allow this grief to be hidden nor unacknowledged but will experience it, blog it (;-)) and emerge from it.

Today's favourite song: Bat for Lashes 'What's A Girl To Do?'

Engage

2008-02-12T12:33:00.001Z

I feel like I'm coming back to life.

Four years of illness and I feel like I'm slowly emerging from the chrysalis.

I know my future involves creativity but discovering in what form that might take has taken a while. The answer? Through the internet: blogs, photography, songs, words: from around the world. I'm still struggling to engage with the real word, my body isn't up to it, but... Emerging from the fog, I need to learn to write again, to see again, to feel and to experience again. I have seen beauty in this illness, now I will discover beauty in the (cyber)world around me.

So today I begin my blog. It revives me to feel a purpose in this world. Can my purpose be just thoughts on a page? Somewhere, somehow, they are important. So, I will be exploring (my) life through blogs, photography, songs and words. I'm looking forward to the ride. Come right along with me.

Flower xxx

Today's favourite song: The Oyster Band 'The Oxford Girl'