I met God at the Cowley festival

I went to a festival recently, and the most extraordinary thing happened.

There I was, minding my own business, listening to a reggae band with ex-boy. The band finished and ex-boy wanted to go and congratulate the djembe player, which we did. He was about 40ish, hippie-ish and very smiley. As we turned to go, he gave each of us a great big bear hug..

OH

MY

GOD

Something happened in that bear hug...

All I felt when he hugged me was love. Huge, all encompassing, unconditional love. I couldn't let go. When I eventually did, thinking he must think I was a nutter.. I walked away and burst into a flood of tears.

I have never, ever, felt love like that... it was pure, it was huge, but most of all it was unconditional. It felt like that no matter what I did, what I said, or who I was.. I was loved..

Was he God in dreadlocks?? .. an angel in human form? .. an ordinary but exceptionally loving person..?

I don't think it matters.

What matters is the experience, and me never forgetting it, taking it with me and gripping it tightly to never let it go...


Today's song: Joan Osbourne, 'One of Us'

Let Go, Don't Be Mad

One of the greatest challenges brought by m.e. is:

L.E.T.T.I.N.G.G.O.A.N.D.N.O.T.G.E.T.T.I.N.G.M.A.D.

There are so many things that just break your heart in two if you let them...

Things you can't do, people you can't see, aches in your heart you can't fulfill...

I have this one this weekend. Someone I haven't seem for 17 years is in the country for a brief moment. I'm supposed to be driving down tonight to see them..

But I can't.
m.e. has me in her tight grip.

I want to rage, I want to beat myself.

But I have to let go
and not be mad
stay sane
and be my own friend
hold myself
and wrap me up in the tighest of embrace

Love me
Hold me
Be me


Today's song: James Blunt, 'Wisemen'

What do you do when...

...you just lose interest in life..?

haven't wanted to write
haven't wanted to blog
haven't wanted to photograph
haven't wanted to participate

This month has been... awful


I have lost myself.


Today's song: Sia, 'Breathe Me'

Enemy

Thought I would know an enemy a mile off

Thought I'd know instantly who they were

Thought I would stand like a giant to fight against them

Didn't know the enemy could be close
much, much closer than that

a sheep in wolf's clothing
a twisted caretaker

Those that say they love you aren't always telling you the truth.



Today's song: Eels, 'I Need Some Sleep'

Hiatus

One of my boys is in trouble:


Looks like cancer

Looks like an op on Monday

Looks like I gotta be a strong momma

Every finger and toe crossed
Every angel called upon

Here's hoping for my boy


Today's favourite song: Shakira, 'Antologia'

Photo Friday: Beauty

I love this picture ... the child curiously peeking out into the world behind the safety of her mother... beautiful.


Today's favourite song: Kinnie Starr, 'Sun Again'

The Verve...

Are Back...!!

Yay!

Their new song rocks my world..

Love is Noise.

Ain't it just.


Can't wait for the album.


Today's top tune: The Verve: 'Love is Noise'

Train wreck

Single again..

From 0-60-0. How Did That Happen??!!

What a train wreck..

{Long drawn out sigh}

Praps one day my life will be sorted - job, money, partner, own place, health, no debts.

But screw it, happiness is being happy where you're at right...?

So, here's to singleness, joblessness, own-homelessness, sickness and skintaspoonyness... but happYness. :-)



Today's favourite song (currently being mesmerised by it!): Friendly Fires, 'Jump in the Pool'

Nourishment

I found this piece in my 'unpublished' draft list..

Struggling

I'm struggling to eat at the moment. My current diet consists of:

Coffee
Lucozade
Cheese
Pitta bread
Crisps

Not enough and not very healthy.

I do love food: I'm a true foodie. But my spirit is low, and with it my tastebuds have become dormant.

I'm not unhappy as such. In so many countless and wonderful ways I'm happier now than I've ever been. But I've just entered the 5th year of this illness. And that's got me.

So I'm blue. And I've lost my appetite. The gnawing of my hunger happily manifests the gnawing of my spirit.

I think I need to grieve. Recognise my losses. But I do have hope. And I do know that this too shall pass...


...And it is indeed passing, though I can't say my eating habits have improved much - It's such a paradox.. to eat healthily you need energy to go out, buy the ingredients, cook them, and eat them... but with no energy... it's peanut butter on toast .. but it is indeed passing.. and things are indeed getting better..


Today's favourite song: Black Kids, 'Hurricane Jane'

Wow, or, Jill Bolte Taylor's message

The scientific and the spiritual meet...



Today's favourite song: India Irie, 'Video'