27 June 2008


Frankly, laughter is a bloody necessity when you think your life has gone down the toilet and you feel like death warmed up...

Remember ventriloquism??! I hadn't seen any for an age when I came across these.. and they had me rolling around the floor..

Three of my faves:

Nina Conti

Paul Zerdin

Jeff Dunham

Today's favourite song: Paramore, 'When It Rains'

18 June 2008

Natty rocks

Saw him live last night.

Wow, he was just amazing.. felt like he woke up every bone in my body.

Feels so good to feel his music; feel the words

Loving this man...

First in the queue to get the album:

Loving this song (Bedroom Eyes) {shiver} does sumthin' to me:

Today's favourite song: Natty, 'Last night'

17 June 2008

Things I Am Grateful For. Part 2.


I know what you're thinking... Are you ker-azy..??!! Hear me out!

Ok, so amongst the raging fevers, the crippling pain, the days in bed, the lack of energy, the lack of income,
the myriad of cancellations, maybe I'm not so grateful, but when I look at the Big Picture, and look at who I am now, and who I was then, I am very grateful.


Because through m.e., I have learnt happiness. I'm talking about actual, bona fide, non-fleeting happiness, happiness that comes from deep inside. And it is real. And it is genuine.

Before, I wasn't a particularly happy person, not inside. I was eternally searching for it; through spirituality, consumerism, work, relationships, anywhere and everywhere. I constantly suffered because of it, through eating disorders, addictions, self-destruction. I questioned life incessantly and always got the same answer: 'Love Is Everything'. But I didn't believe it. I thought that far too simplistic and obvious to be true: and that love, I just couldn't find.

But just because it's simple, doesn't mean it isn't the truth.

Love is everything. It's love for oneself that is everything, and that is what m.e. has given me.

I was stripped of my life, my career, my money, my friends - in short, everything that makes up a 'life'. I became desperately ill. I visited many, many dark places. When you're life is taken, and you suffer intensely (physically, mentally, emotionally) you are taken to a place where you have a choice: you can hate yourself, berate yourself, blame yourself and despair, or you can search and find the real you inside, and love yourself, cherish yourself, take care of yourself and survive.

And in the craziness, that is what I did. And love for me is what I found.

So is it worth it? Well, don't ask me in the middle of a fever or when I'm doubled over in pain, but when my body is calmer, and I'm at a low 2 on the pain scale, then hell yeah, it's worth it.

Today's favourite (officially, my favourite ever, ever) song: Toure Kunda 'Emma'

About a boy

He's delicious

All cheekbones and luscious lips

Blue eyes and dirty laugh

Sure wasn't love at first sight,

Thought he was delicate; made of china..

Oh, how wrong I can be

Strong as a iron and spouting fire

Need to step back lest he gobble me up

Secret garden's waiting but can he find the key?

Today's favourite song: Icehouse, 'Man of Colours'

16 June 2008


Honestly what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Today's favourite song: Nelly Furtado, 'All Good Things'

8 June 2008


A couple of interesting books are winging their way to my bedside reading pile:

The Alchemy of Illness - Kat Duff

CFS is a call for soulwork
Gretchen Brooks Nassar

Am looking forward to gaining new perspectives on this illness business.

Reviews later.

Today's favourite song: Alphaville, 'Big in Japan'

7 June 2008

Three Things I Wish For

Three things I wish for

  1. A faster computer.
  2. More money.
  3. Sunshine.

Today's favourite song: Madonna, 'Spotlight'

Three Popular Misconceptions

Three popular misconceptions

  1. That I sleep a lot = pain + sleep doth not a good combination make.
  2. That my brain functions normally = um, that would be a no.
  3. That I get bored = wrong again, you need energy to get bored with.

Today's favourite song: Madonna, 'Gambler'

Three Things I'm Looking Forward To

Three things I'm looking forward to:

  1. No pain (yippeeeeeeee!).
  2. More energy for my niece.
  3. Dancin' (yeah!).

Today's favourite (spotted
the theme yet? ;-)) song: Madonna, 'Pretender'.

Three Ugly Things

Three ugly things:

  1. The fact that laughing makes me more ill (and the pain worse).
  2. The fact that those who should be my biggest supporters are in fact, my biggest detractors.
  3. Being wide awake when I'd rather be fast asleep (5am on a Saturday morning anyone?).

Today's favourite (oh the clothes, the hair!) song: Madonna, 'Dress you up'

Three Beautiful Things

Three beautiful things

  1. Brothers and Sisters (the programme), for making me realise that the craziness {that is} my family is actually normal.
  2. Maya Gold chocolate. Yummmmmmmm.
  3. Lie ins with my boys when it's raining outside.

Today's favourite (80's icon) song: Madonna, 'Stay'

6 June 2008

My M.E. Survival Kit

A Good Mattress
Unfortunately, I don't have one of these - mine is rubbish. It's cheap and cheerful and I can feel the springs through it. To make it more comfortable, I put a quilt and a duvet on the mattress before the sheet goes on. My sister on the other hand, has a mattress that was hand delivered by a legion of angels straight from God's Heavenly Mattresses Inc. If I could shove it under my jumper and run out the door with it I would. At her house, I sink deliciously into this mattress and have the best sleep ever.

With M.E. you spend a loooooot of time in bed, sleeping, suffering, reading, tossing, resting, turning; so you do need a mattress that is good. Alas, for me, a good mattress is the 'one-day-when-I-have-money-list'.

A Chillow Pillow
One of these I do have. And this too, was invented by the Gods. It is basically a mini water-pillow. But somehow, it stays cold: All. The. Time. It is always within reaching distance and has soothed my brow on many an occasion when I am raging with fever or have the headache from hell (like last night). Like a lover, I wrapped the entire thing around me and h
old it there until I can't feel my arms anymore. Suffice to say it provides stupendous, miraculous, positively angelic relief.

(+mobile phones)

I find talking knackering. It's one of the things that takes my energy the most. This is why I love the internet. I can know exactly what's going on that there world out there without ever needing to speak to another soul. Texting on a mobile phone also falls into this category. Frankly, I {heart} texting. It is the quickest, easiest way to communicate with someone and takes barely any energy. Hurray for Nokia!! The internet also of course, is the home of this icle bit of bloggyness. My lovely creative outlet and a place to put my thoughts when they need a home. Hurray for Blogging!!

I have blogged about my cats before, here and here, but I can never overestimate their importance in my recovery. When you're flat on your back, day in day out, in pain, unable to read, watch tv or see anyone, a little feline ball of furryness purring at your side can make all the difference. Especially when they also spend every night with you and snuggle up to your neck and sleep. You obviously have to get up to feed them, but other than that they look after themselves so are very little trouble.

Nurofen Plus
Not that I advocate the use of drugs, medicinal or otherwise, but these have been my saviour. I have been through the chemist's array of painkilling tablets, right and left, up and down, and all over again, and I always come back to this little white tablet. It makes the pain I'm in bearable, and allows me to live just that little bit better and whilst I do hope that once I'm well I never have to take one again, I am grateful for the tiny little powdered miracle that they are.

Today's favourite song: Tracy Bonham, 'Something Beautiful'

3 June 2008

Dang, I gotta face it..

Ok, so something is up. I know this because:

a) I am eating more than I need..(otherwise known as comfort eating)
b) I am craving alcohol..

Together, they always means the same thing: something is up and I just ain't facing it...

... so I eat to make me feel better.. and I drink to make it go away..

Except, I barely have any food in the house, so am eating mouldy rye crackers and (vegan) cream cheese. Both of which I'm sure would be disqualified from a comfort eating contest. I've also been tee total since October, and don't plan on changing any time soon, so I haven't actually had any alcohol either...

So no hiding for me then..!

Something is UP and I don't want to DEAL with it...

But know I have to, else I'll put on a stone and end up in a vat of cheeky vimto...

I know where it is, oh that hideous, ugly rotten dark place called.... The Past. And it's n
ot the nice past either, oh no, the murky painful depths of memories you'd really really like to put in a box and watch sail away into the sunset.. but no, instead, I need to watch Dr. Phil and:

name it to claim it..!!
feel it to heal it...!!

Oh Dr. Phil, what fun that sounds, I just can't wait!!

Today's favourite song:U2 'The Ground Beneath Her Feet'