Another bed day today.
So, so tired.
All limbs ache; head is heavy; the beginnings of a fever chase my brain.
So, so lacking in energy.
Still under the duvet.
Willing the pain to go away.
Tick tock tick tock.
There but by the grace of God go I.
Today's favourite song: Sting feat. Cheb Mami, 'Desert Rose'
29 April 2008
Another bed day today.
26 April 2008
I'm taking part in this project.
So yesterday was spent taking pictures of everything I did, and everywhere I went.
It was soooo rewarding!
This was because I took lots of pictures that I just wouldn't have taken otherwise...
like the painter decorating the outside of my flat...
like the dvd I was watching...
like my local pub...
What a great (new) way to spend a day!
Today's favourite song: Fool's Garden, 'Lemon Tree'
23 April 2008
22 April 2008
This is a shot of my sister breastfeeding my niece.
You can't see it in the picture but mother and daughter are gazing into each others eyes with pure love. Is there a greater bond than that of a mother feeding her child?
I love that I have captured this bond for them: through any tribulations mother and daughter may have in future years, they can look back time and time again at this photo.
Today's (ooooh, loving this, LOVING this) favourite song: MGMT, 'Electric Feel'
20 April 2008
19 April 2008
I was on a long drive home and was pretty tired. I just wanted to get there. Get into a scented bath and soak away the day. I wasn't taking much notice of the landscape around me, though it was beautiful.
Then the light changed.
As dusk approached, the landscape was transformed in a glorious orange glow. I stopped the car and watched. With my camera on the passenger seat I immediately started clicking and capturing what I saw.
The change of light lasted only a few moments.
I returned to my car and went home: so grateful to have witnessed this fleeting beauty; so grateful that my Pentax was by my side; so grateful to have been brought out of my rush to get home and given a chance to lose myself in the beauty of the moment.
Today's favourite song: The Script 'We Cry'
17 April 2008
I have embarked on two different techniques that claim to heal/cure m.e.
The first is called 'Emotional Freedom Technique' or 'EFT'.
Proponents of EFT claim it relieves many psychological and physical conditions, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, general stress, addictions and phobias. More claims have been made for multiple sclerosis and one proponent claims that "you can also use it for everything from the common cold to cancer.'" The basic EFT technique involves holding a disturbing memory or emotion in mind and simultaneously using the fingers to tap on a series of 12 specific points on the body that correspond to meridians used in Chinese medicine. The theory behind EFT is that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body's energy field and that tapping on the meridians while thinking of a negative emotion alters the body's energy field, restoring it to "balance."
The theory states that negative emotions are built in the following stages: A negative experience occurs; negative emotions are felt in response to this negative experience, leading to inappropriate programming inside the body; and then the body's energy system gets disrupted due to these negative emotions. The contention of EFT is that in order to remove the negative responses, tackling the negative experience is not enough, because doing so cannot correct the energy imbalance. Rather, the energy imbalance must be restored along with curing the negative emotions.
It is an odd process!
I basically hold an image in my head of what having m.e. means and then tap various points on my face and body. (How to subtly do this whilst in Sainsburys I have yet to master...)
The second technique I am following is called 'Gupta Amygdala Training Programme' and is pioneered by Ashok Gupta.
His website explains:
Although this is a drug-free therapy, Ashok clearly states that ME/CFS is a real physical condition, with real physical symptoms. This is based on his medical paper which was published in a medical journal in 2002. The explanation is based on the role of a brain structure called the Amygdala, which Ashok believes keeps the body in a permanent imbalanced state, causing all of the symptoms.
This programme is so powerful and Ashok believes in it so much, that it comes with a guarantee that it will definitely help you recover from your condition. If for any reason you don’t find it improves your health within 6 months, after 6 months you can return the whole programme and get your money back. And in fact 6 months is the maximum amount of time anyone has taken to show significant improvements, so the results are likely to come well before that.
The medical research behind it is very, very interesting and I'm jumping into the programme feet first!
So, will either of these techniques bring an end to my m.e. journey...?
Time will answer that question...but here's hoping..
Today's favourite song: Lorraine, 'I Feel It'
13 April 2008
11 April 2008
9 April 2008
This is a quote from David Putnam, a Film Director who also suffers from m.e....
"I had a six-month period when I couldn't do anything," he says. "Nothing, really nothing. Going to the loo was like climbing Everest. It is impossible to explain to people how utterly debilitating it is".
Everest is a useful geographical metaphor that does justice to how ordinary life can feel so utterly extra-ordinary with this illness.
I live in a small town. I live in the centre of this small town. A very good friend of mine lives 10 minutes walk away on the other side of town. Getting to my friend's house involves climbing down a steep hill, then climbing up the other side. In ordinary pre-m.e. days this walk would pass in the blink of an eye and was certainly far too short to be considered any kind of serious exercise. Now, this steep decline and incline is my Everest. The walk to her house is unthinkable, unmanageable, unachievable.
Something has changed.
Today, I walked to my friend's house. And perhaps the most important part, I didn't feel too horrendous for it.
For me, it was a HUGE, huge achievement. On the way back I wanted to hug everyone I saw and say 'hey, I did it!!' I. DID. IT!
Everest, here I come!
Today's favourite song: The Editors, 'Munich'
6 April 2008
I love this photo. Partly because I took it and am proud of it. Partly because the dog belongs to a very good friend. Partly because of what, to me, it represents.
The dog is Cujo. In the photo, he is chasing a red ball that has just been thrown. The same red ball was thrown over and over again but Cujo never tired of watching the ball; racing after the ball; catching the ball; bringing the ball back.
I *loved* the pure joy that shone from his eyes and the furious wagging of his tail. At that moment, nothing, but nothing else mattered to him other than catching that ball.
Such a simple, simple process, but such utter utter joy.
My thoughts turned to another species - us. How often do we do this? How often do we just focus on doing something that gives us pure joy, freeing our minds of every other thought?
Where's our red ball?!!!
Today's favourite (80's) song: Howard Jones, 'New Song'
1 April 2008
I have been well and truly dumped.
Dumped that is, by my best friend.
I do understand why (he has found his soul mate). I do understand that things are a little more complicated (we are exes). But for a year after we broke up he was still my best buddy. I told him everything, he told me, we hung out every week, we talked lots, laughed lots, and when he disappeared he did so overnight...
I'm having trouble adjusting.
Maybe, maybe, we really only half broke up for a year, and this is the proper break up.... which is why it's hurting so. Maybe I just miss my best friend. Maybe, as a wise woman told me, soul mate can't appear whilst I'm still best buddies with someone else (particularly a male, particularly an ex). Time will let me know.
Long drawn out sigh...
Just another stitch in life's big ol' rich tapestry...
Today's favourite song: REM, 'Day Tripper'