29 February 2008

The Truth

I watched this video and with every word I nodded my head.

This was my experience. This was (and sometimes still is) my truth:

Courtesy of www.sleepydust.net

Today's favourite song: Babybird 'Back Together'

27 February 2008

The Importance of Being a Cat

With M.E., you can't really 'do' things. And you spend A LOT of time by yourself.

A LOT of time quietly in a bed or on a sofa.

Understandably, it is difficult not to be filled with a profound sense of solitude: 'Out There', life continues apace whilst 'In Here', it is just you, your resting place, and your silence. You can't watch TV - it hurts your brain, you can't listen to music - it hurts your ears, you can't talk on the phone - it hurts your throat, you can't meet with anyone - you're just-too-tired.

So it's you, your sofa, and your friend silence...

... then in walks The Cat..

Olly the Cat.

A present from a loved one to keep you company. A ginger and cream Burmese dynamo. A Top Cat with the loudest miaow (and purr) in Catville.

You are no longer alone!

You can't talk to the cat (not in words anyway) you can't share your burdens with your cat (at least not if need a response) but you can be loved, can be snuggled with, can be purred at, and can be made to feel the most important person in the universe.

Life is different. You can't feel solitude because you have a permanent friend. You don't feel scared because the purring is too sweet, and whilst you can't do much else, you can help a little fur ball. You can give him a loving home, you can feed him the best food, you can play with him and groom him, and you can love him back. You can, at last, 'do'.

So, to the person who gifted me Olly the Cat, and for Olly the Cat himself, I express my deepest gratitude for making my (m.e.) life just that little bit better... xxx


Today's favourite song: Prefab Sprout 'Life of Surprises'

15 February 2008

Annie Leibovitz beware!

Today, I took some photos!

I have taken photos for as long as I can remember. I have always had a camera. But I have never *taken* photos.

I have begun my journey into photography!

I snapped 100 times. Most of the shots soon made their acquaintance with the 'delete' button but nevertheless, I am thrilled with my fledgling attempt. I used an old (bashed) compact Kodak digital camera and the quality is er... not what it could be ... (I have images of pros sniggering into their viewfinders). Soon however, I hope to be getting my sticky little hands on a digital SLR camera...

As the characters in the show I'm watching are wont to say - Yay!

The location

The Flora

The Fauna

Today's favourite (happy) song: Martha & The Muffins 'Echo Beach'


Three days ago, I was attacked.

Ok, not by a shark!

And not physically either. It was a verbal attack.

The words used against me were particularly vicious. None of them were (or are) true of me. It was a crash between anothers' opinions and beliefs and mine. I actually respect their beliefs. They, it became apparent, do not respect mine.

What matters now is not what happened, but rather, who I became in the time that followed. It was a crucial moment. I asked myself this crucial question:


Do I:

a) stay, acquiesce to their demands and deny mine.


b) recover, stand firm and choose me.

I chose me.

Today, I woke early, dressed, saw the blue of the sky, picked up my camera and walked.

I walked a long time. I took 100 photos. I breathed. I reminded myself of all the good in me and finally, I hugged a horse, and I went home.


Today's favourite song: Snow Patrol 'Set the fire to the third bar'.

12 February 2008


If I were the Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. A very necessary tool to navigate loss
2. An immense journey through the spectrum of emotion
3. A physical, mental, emotional and spiritual (searing) experience of pain

Being not at my best physically, I find myself more vulnerable to the darker side of life; the darker side of emotions. And today's emotion is grief.

No-one has died (I know this grief), I am not grieving for the loss of myself (this has been done) I am not grieving the loss of a friend (he is very much still here). I am grieving the loss of: MNO. My Number One.

My Number One; your Number One, is invariably, though not exclusively, your partner. Your staunchest defender, your greatest ally, the one who believes in you the most, the one who supports and loves you the most. I chose to lose him as my partner (I was the one to break up the relationship) but still for almost a year afterwards he was still MNO and I his, thus I continued to thrive despite the end of the relationship. Now, he has met his soul mate, his forever partner, and I, the ex partner, am displaced, no longer HNO.

I am not begrudging of his happiness (within the complexity that emotions are, I am grieving for myself whilst also truly cherishing his joy). But, I cannot (and will not) deny the pain I feel at the loss of that which translates as unparalleled support, defence, generosity and love. I feel so alone without it. I feel frightened without it. I feel weaker without it.

However, I am not drowning. Because:

I know two things a) this is time for me to become my own staunchest defender, supporter, lover and ally and b) when my soul mate appears I will again nestle in the love and arms of MNO, so this loss is temporary.

Therefore l declare myself a phoenix in the process of rising from the ashes. A phoenix because I will not allow this grief to be hidden nor unacknowledged but will experience it, blog it (;-)) and emerge from it.

Today's favourite song: Bat for Lashes 'What's A Girl To Do?'


I feel like I'm coming back to life.

Four years of illness and I feel like I'm slowly emerging from the chrysalis.

I know my future involves creativity but discovering in what form that might take has taken a while. The answer? Through the internet: blogs, photography, songs, words: from around the world. I'm still struggling to engage with the real word, my body isn't up to it, but... Emerging from the fog, I need to learn to write again, to see again, to feel and to experience again. I have seen beauty in this illness, now I will discover beauty in the (cyber)world around me.

So today I begin my blog. It revives me to feel a purpose in this world. Can my purpose be just thoughts on a page? Somewhere, somehow, they are important. So, I will be exploring (my) life through blogs, photography, songs and words. I'm looking forward to the ride. Come right along with me.

Flower xxx

Today's favourite song: The Oyster Band 'The Oxford Girl'