Grief

If I were the Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary.

grief.

1. A very necessary tool to navigate loss

2. An immense journey through the spectrum of emotion

3. A physical, mental, emotional and spiritual (searing) experience of pain

Being not at my best physically, I find myself more vulnerable to the darker side of life; the darker side of emotions. And today's emotion is grief.

No-one has died (I know this grief), I am not grieving for the loss of myself (this has been done) I am not grieving the loss of a friend (he is very much still here). I am grieving the loss of: MNO. My Number One.

My Number One; your Number One, is invariably, though not exclusively, your partner. Your staunchest defender, your greatest ally, the one who believes in you the most, the one who supports and loves you the most. I chose to lose him as my partner (I was the one to break up the relationship) but still for almost a year afterwards he was still MNO and I his, thus I continued to thrive despite the end of the relationship. Now, he has met his soul mate, his forever partner, and I, the ex partner, am displaced, no longer HNO.

I am not begrudging of his happiness (within the complexity that emotions are, I am grieving for myself whilst also truly cherishing his joy). But, I cannot (and will not) deny the pain I feel at the loss of that which translates as unparalleled support, defence, generosity and love. I feel so alone without it. I feel frightened without it. I feel weaker without it.

However, I am not drowning. Because:

I know two things a) this is time for me to become my own staunchest defender, supporter, lover and ally and b) when my soul mate appears I will again nestle in the love and arms of MNO, so this loss is temporary.

Therefore l declare myself a phoenix in the process of rising from the ashes. A phoenix because I will not allow this grief to be hidden nor unacknowledged but will experience it, blog it (;-)) and emerge from it.

Today's favourite song: Bat for Lashes 'What's A Girl To Do?'